Allowing failure

For the past two weeks my oldest daughter and I have worked very hard on learning fractions. She has struggled with this concept more than any other. Long division was a breeze compared to this.  She was frustrated.  I was frustrated.   I walked her through each problem.  Sometimes we’d only work a few problems then take a break. Nothing seemed to help.  She could answer all my questions as we worked together, but knowing how to set up the word problems that contained fractions still eluded her.  Figuring out what more I could do eluded me.

Every time she came to a problem with a fraction, she would ask for help.  I worked each problem with her, but she did not achieve a greater understanding.  She would need help on the next problem. At wits end, I calmly but firmly refused to help her with her fractions homework. I told her to, “Do your best. If you get it wrong, then it’s just wrong.  You’ll just have to fail this part.”  I figured that we’d just return to it next year.  Hopefully maturing a little would help.

If you think that she finished quickly, you couldn’t be more wrong.  After an hour and a half, she still had not completed the first problem. She sat there insisting that she needed help or crying.  I didn’t think I could help anymore without getting frustrated. I thought her failing this section would be better than the both of us going through the “emotional math wringer”. She eventually started working on the problems and got through all but one (3.5 hours later).   She gave one last ditch, “I need help” for the final problem.  I kept my answer the same, “Just do your best. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong”.

I completely scandalized my friend who overheard this while on the phone with me.  She felt I needed to give her a hug, words of encouragement, then allow her to take a break.  My tactic sounded harsh to her. Yet, I felt like my daughter needed to get through this. There had to be a point when she wouldn’t succeed. Failure had to be an option.

I admit, I felt rather devoid of proper feelings after this conversation. I didn’t want to hug my daughter, dry her tears, and tell her it would be alright.  I sure didn’t feel motherly.  Her tears had not moved me to release her early.  Rather, I was determined that she complete what was started. My daughter failed to learn a lesson properly, and I failed to teach it. It was no longer about the math. There was a bigger lesson here. It was about doing something hard, failing, and getting up again.

When she was finally done, she gave me a hug and said, “It was hard”.  “I know,” I replied “It was hard for me too. You can’t be afraid to fail.”  She looked very sheepish.  I told her that her Aunt thought I should have given her a big hug and a break earlier.  She laughed and said it wouldn’t have worked, she would have gone right back to crying! After I checked her work, she was very pleased to have gotten a few right.  She said the three she got right meant more to her than getting most of her problems right easily, because she had to work so hard.  She was beaming with triumph. She failed and succeeded at the same time. I let her call her Aunt.

 

 

 

Braid-Out Vs. Twist-Out

Last week I did the normal braid and band in order to wash my hair. I wanted to wash my hair this week, but I didn’t have time to braid, band, and wash before my toddler awoke from her nap.  Therefore, I decided to try a short cut.  Instead of the normal braid-out, I did a “twist-out”.  I basically took the same sized sections that I would use for braiding but twisted them instead. The hair stayed in the twist, and it was much faster than braiding.  I like the results even better than the braid-out.  The braid-out gave my hair tight crinkles, but the twist-out gave it a loose wave. Here are pictures to demonstrate what I mean. My hair is in the same style and the ends are curled under. The only change is braid-out vs. twist-out.  The back of the hair appears different because the twist out caused some of the hair to flip-up. 

                                       Braid-Out                              

 

Vs.

 Twist-Out

Braid-Out Crinkles

 

Vs.

 Twist-Out Waves

 

Braid-Out Rear View

Vs.

Twist-Out Rear View

 

First Wash and Braid Out

Yesterday was the first time I washed my locks. I braided and banded my hair the night before.  To control itching, I treated my scalp with full strength apple cider vinegar before washing. I used my fingertips to apply the vinegar.  Personally, I didn’t care for the Sisterlocks shampoo. It didn’t get my scalp clean, but in all fairness I had a lot of skin cells from the subboratic dermatitis.  I ended up washing with the Sisterlocks shampoo, a tea tree shampoo, then the Sisterlocks shampoo again to make sure the tea tree shampoo didn’t leave any conditioning agents in my hair. I looked like a pick-a-ninny for a day, while letting my hair dry in a braid out. I slept on the braids overnight.  This morning I removed each rubber band and carefully curled only the relaxed ends with a curling iron. I rubbed Africa’s Best Ultimate Herbal Oil on my hands. There was a very light layer of oil left on my skin.  I then ran my fingers through my hair to separate.  The result looked pretty good. I don’t think I have much slippage or bunching, and my parts seem a little less visible. Next time I think I’ll wash in the evening.

 

When I Was A Kid…

As my children get older, we sometimes talk about my childhood.  Tales about the past always entertain them and inspire them to try “old” things.  They are often disappointed that many of the adventures I had as a child, are no longer available to them.  Riding a bike all over town and coming home when the street lights came on, was something they could hardly imagine. Tales of the “neighborhood kids” playing outside drew wishful sighs.

This week one of the stories told was about our high school JROTC drill team.  We watched youtube videos of various drill teams, and the kids were very impressed.  My husband pulled out an old rifle and began some basic drills. The kids were very pleased.  When he gave it to me I was stunned that it came back. I had so much fun spinning and throwing the rifle, that I asked to keep it.   Watching me, gave the kids the idea to get sticks and try it.  They made their own routine up.  It was very cool. Of course, later I hear sounds of screaming and found that my husband had turned it into combat. BOYS!

 

Why Sisterlocks

African Icon of Saint Mary of Egypt

    

     For black women, hair is personal. There is so much caught-up in the idea of “hair”, that any other ethnic group probably wouldn’t understand. Social status, economic status, self-esteem, our daily plans are often influenced by our hair. Breaking free from this hair bondage, is something that is often wished for, but never realized. The desire for convenience and the need to be accepted, often keep people on the well traveled, socially acceptable path. When black people ask why I decided to get Sisterlocks, it is a “loaded” question containing all the “drama” of our hair. I will, however, attempt to answer.  My answers are not an indictment of anyone’s choice for their own hair, just an explanation of my decision.

Saint Mary of Egypt

         
                I Chose Sisterlocks Because…
…Because I want to dance in the rain with my kids
…Because my hair doesn’t dictate my exercise
…Because God didn’t make my hair straight
…Because I love the idea of “wash-and-go” hair
…Because there is a better way than burning my scalp
…Because shower caps don’t look good as lingerie
…Because my natural hair is beautiful too
…Because I want a variety of styling options
…Because I want to swim more than once a week
…Because I can open the windows and the sun roof
…Because it’s all natural
…Because umbrellas are optional
…Because I can scratch if my scalp itches
…Because I can wash my hair frequently
…Because I’m a black person with black hair
…Because I can curl them or leave them straight
…Because I have other things to do than my hair
…Because there isn’t just one kind of beauty

 

Week 1 and Soft Spikes

      
         I didn’t think I’d have anything to report during this first month, but I was wrong. Around the third day after installation, I began to experience a great deal of itching. It was highly annoying. I think it was my scalp’s attempt to release some of the tension of the hair being pulled tight. Perhaps I’m wrong, but the itching has mostly subsided, and my hair doesn’t feel like it’s been pulled tight anymore.
        Yesterday, our normal homeschooling park-day was canceled due to heavy rain.  I decided to run errands instead.  This was my first small taste of freedom from relaxers.  I’m almost always carrying a child, so I almost never carry umbrellas. My hair got wet several times getting in and out of the car. By the end of the day, the relaxed ends were frizzy.  The Sisterlocks were great. Fortunately my Soft-spikes arrived in the mail that day.  Right before bed, I decided to just “play-around” with them. I rolled my hair haphazardly, and went to sleep.  The results were great.  The kids loved the curls. 

 

Locked Hair Blog Exchange: Dominica’s Sisterlocks

If you are looking for a great place to start learning about all kinds of Locked hair, a great place to start would be the Locked Hair Blog Exchange.  It is run by Maryee, and it’s a wonderful resource. 
Locked Hair Blog Exchange: Dominica’s Sisterlocks

 

Things I’ve Learned Rearching Sisterlocks Part 1

Like many others, it was with great anticipation that I awaited my Sisterlocks install. I think I’ve read 3/4 of the blogs about Sisterlocks available.  I did this partly because I wanted as much information as I could gather, but mostly because I just liked looking at the pictures.  I did run across good information, tips, and advise.  Here are some things that I learned, and a few things that I wish I had known.

The Initial Consultation:
1. Research your consultant. Make sure that person really is or has been certified or trained as a Sisterlocks consultant.  I have seen several people on the web who were told ” yea, I do Sisterlocks”.  They ended up very unhappy. Don’t be afraid to select a different consultant than the first one you interview.

2. It is traditional Sisterlocks practice that consultants do not charge for the consultation.  However, some consultants feel like you should pay for their time and charge a small fee $15-$25  for the consultation.  I am comfortable with either option.

3.  The test locks are important.  Don’t skip that step if possible. You’ll find out if you’re tender-headed or how gentle the consultant is. You will get a little taste of what the initial stage may look like.

4.  You should come away with a general estimate on how much time and money it will cost for your install.

5.  Pay attention to the setting. You may be spending a good deal of time with the consultant.  Is the office clean? Is the chair comfortable….you may be sitting in it for 21 hours!

6.  Is the consultant child friendly?  Some consultants don’t want even older children coming to retightening appointments.

7.  Come when you can see their work if possible (an install or a retightening).  Ask to see pictures of their work.

8.  Join Lockitup yahoogroup.  The people there have lots of experience with Sisterlocks and are willing to answer questions.

9.  Find someone with Sisterlocks and talk to them in person.  It’s one thing to look at pictures on the internet, but another thing to see “real” locks. 

10.  You need three inches of hair total. However, only two inches have to be natural. The other inch can be relaxed.

 

INSTALLED!!!!

My Sisterlocks installation began yesterday and was completed today (Oct 3-4, 2009).  It took a total of 21 hours over two days. I have 545 locks.  My consultant and I agreed to gradually increase the size of the locks. The locks in front (ear forward) are small. The locks in the back gradually increase in size from small, to mediums, to medium large.  I started with two inches of natural hair (non relaxed hair).  My ends still have the relaxer, so she used the Reverse 4 pattern, which is the tightest.  My hair is fine, but I have a lot of it (it’s dense).    I chose to transition to Sisterlocks without going really short, for my husband’s benefit. I have been short and natural before, but he liked that I was able to keep my hair longer.  I also wanted a style to my locks, therefore, I chose a haircut that I thought might look good while the relaxer grows out.  Here are the pictures:

Relaxed hair before the cut

Relaxed hair after the cut

SISTERLOCKS

 

 

An Awkward Position

Helena testing the boundaries

Last week I was placed in an awkward position that I have not experienced before. A new mom in our group was having some problems with her pregnancy, and I signed up to take her three children (5, 3, and 2) to the park with us on Park Day.  When it was time to go, one of the moms attempted to correct the five year old. Notice, I said attempted. He called her names, then tried to hit her. I took the struggling child and physically restrained him while explaining that he had the choice to walk to the truck or be carried like a baby to the truck.  He continued his behavior, which meant he chose to be carried. Five year old boys are strong!  Standing 5′9″, I’m no small woman, but it was a struggle to carry him while he continued to resist. The other women gathered around, grabbed my stuff, my kids (who were wide-eyed), and assisted us.  Half way to the truck he started yelling that he’d walk if I would put him down.  I explained his choices again, and this time he chose to walk.

Once in the car, I explained that I would not bring him to the park (0nly his siblings) or allow my kids to play with him unless he apologized. Not surprisingly, his bad attitude continued.  At which point, I gave him a new choice. I told him he could change his attitude and have pizza for dinner (which I was providing),  or I would turn around and get him a rotisserie chicken and a salad for dinner.   Luckily, he liked pizza. By the time we reached his house, he was a happy, chatty kid again.  He remained pleasant and well mannered the rest of the time of our visit.

I informed his mother of what occurred at the park and the stipulations that I required of the child (the apology).  I confess, to being a little disappointed that she did not even attempt to make him apologize then and there.  She seems very gentle in her parenting style.  She was in the awkward position of having a poorly behaved child, and I was in the awkward position of  ensuring that it didn’t happen again with me.  When it was time to say goodbye, I encouraged the boy to apologize so that we could visit him again.  His mom was in hearing distance, but I could not see her reaction.  He was shy at first, but he did it. He apologized in front of my kids.   Kids need boundaries.